Dominoes

I spend a lot of time questioning my decisions. Imagining what would have happened if I changed my actions in the past. Thinking that if I would have done this instead of that, a different set of dominoes would have fallen and led me to a totally different place. I guess for this reason I was never really happy where I was. I can't think about the wouldas and couldas anymore cause I am dating the man i think I was meant to share my world with. If I had altered any of my choices in the past I would not be with him today. So now I look back and I am satisfied with my selections. And I am satisfied with my life now. More than anything I am enthusiastic about my future.

Auntie Kilah

I have always had a strong maternal instinct. Not that I mothered everybody..I ain't taking care of your kids. As for mine, I have always wanted children. Two, three, maybe four. It has been and itch that I have not scratched though. Yeah I could most likely conceive a child...but it's the raising part that I am not ready for. First off, I need a good man...better yet, a good husband. Secondly, financial security. I may be able to get by....but those pampers get expensive. Third, I wanted to experience life a little more. Travel to exotic places..that sort of thing. So at the age of 26, I am still not ready to have a child. But low and behold a great opportunity arose. My sister-in-law had a daughter, Sophia, and I agreed to look after her for a year. Was putting my life on hiatus for 12 months worth it? Well I also moved to MD to be with Sophia, and I had been hankering to move. I wanted to move to DC years ago, but it didnt work out. So...I love spending time with my niece...it never gets old. Best of all, I am getting this baby bug out of my system. I still want kids of course. But I can wait 5 or 6 years. It's fine. Now I want to put myself first (and my boyfriend). We can do as we please. Oh...but I sill want a dog soon. lol. A little responsibility and something to call my own please.

For Eva Eva?

I have been in a couple of relationships. What do they all have in common? I stayed in them too long. Yep..that is the trend with me. I knew they would not last forever....whether i admitted it to myself or not. I hope I am not the type of person who has to be in a relationship to be fulfilled. I have had long spurts of singledom, but I do like being with a partner versus the alternative. Back to my point of this post. In my first relationship I was crazy in love. You know that volatile young love. One minute you feel blessed to have someone who loves you completely, the next minute one of you is freaking out and you end up with holes in your drywall. That shit ain't going nowhere...and you know it. I honestly could not get out of that relationship until I moved 2850 miles away. I tried previously, but it was easier to stay....so difficult to leave. I have no regrets, but I should have been outro alot earlier. So that is one relationship. In another, I tricked myself into thinking it could be forever. Although I knew it would be a miserable forever. Forever eva! Forever eva? Forever is a long time to spend with someone who gets on your damn nerves constantly. The fact that everything I did annoyed him did not help either. So why did I stay in that relationship. Maybe I am an eternal optimist, and i hope and wish things will work out. But lets keep it real, if i was in hell then why did i think i would not be in hell later? Eternal hell. I was selling myself way too short. So was he. Yet my ass would not let go of the relationship. I had to get dumped, get picked back up, and drop him to realize that life could be alot better. And I don't want to admit this cuz I already acknowledged i might be a part of the serial monogamy crew...but it took another man for me to finally wake up and know that love was not supposed to hurt. I wished I could say I figured this out on my own. So fast forward to the present. I have very high expectations of the relationship I am in right now. I don't know if I am playing myself again. I don't think I am, but damn, I think this will be forever. Forever Eva!!!